the end of the beginning

Well I can't really put my finger on it, but I'm just feeling down. Not pure sadness, or depressed, but just down on my spirits.

I still find it strange that I'm graduating. It's really quite remarkable, if you would've looked at me 3 years ago you would've guessed that it would've never happened for me. I really didn't expect it myself. I remember my first day of college, sitting in freshman seminar and the teacher said "Look around you, half of the people in this room are going to drop out." I think I sort of put myself into that category.

My decision to come to college wasn't because I wanted to learn, or because I wanted to get out of my parents house. I've never had my heart set on a certain profession, like those people who have always known they want to be teachers or doctors. I came to college because, well, that's just what you do after high school. I came in as an undecided major, and I'm leaving 5 years later, still undecided on what I should do.

I've been ready to graduate for awhile now, mostly after my 4th year here, and my 5th year was rough trying to motivate myself to still do school work. But now that it's here, it's really here, I want to slam on the breaks and pause. I don't feel ready for this to end, and for what's next.

I think right now is the hardest part, I absolutely hate good-byes. It's not like everyone is leaving for the summer, everyone is branching off to their next step in life. It's so hard to accept that I will never see some of my classmates and neighbors again. Good thing we have facebook, right?

I've been thinking a lot lately, maybe a little too much, but I've done a lot of reflecting. Maryville has become such a part of me, I've grown so much here. There are so many memories and stories that I will have to remember it by for the rest of my life.

I know, I'm talking like the town is going to be burned down tomorrow or something. No, it's not like that. And since my boyfriend is actually from Maryville, I know I'll be back quite a bit. But it won't be the same. All of my friends will be gone, I won't have my apartment, this won't be my home anymore. Just a place to visit.

All I've been wanting to do lately is reflect. Just sit around and be sad. I know I have a lot of reasons to be happy and excited, but it's like I have to get all of the sad out of me before I can do that.

In the end, I am happy. I am excited. I am proud of myself. And I deserve it.

This is the end of one chapter.... what's next?